i am so lame

I attended a workshop today for the passionate people in the field in which I currently work. I work in a field abound with bleeding hearts and passionate intellectuals who search daily to find the answers to the questions and situation put before us daily and LOVE to tell people not in the profession about their work. As we gathered this morning and began the session I prayed that the day would yield exciting and thought provoking arguments, because if I have to write a report about this for my supervisor, it best provoke me to want to write.
Now I should say here that I should have known better than to have such high expectations I have been working in this field for the past 6 years. Additionally I should have expected nothing less than being bored out of my wits from myself. By the time it was 10 I had started observing the behaviours of the participants because you can always a person’s motives. You just have to read their cues and let us be honest if you can’t read their cues it’s not because you perceptive. It’s because you may not want to have to deal with the fact that there is always more than one hidden agenda in a room and sometimes yours is the most sinister.

Meetings are actually quite loud even if no one is talking; the posturing, the eye contact and the secret message being sent and received. Sit in on a meeting where there is no clear leader and wait for the mad dash to see who will dominate. Better yet sit in on a meeting where a coup d’état is brewing and the body language is screaming at you.

By after lunch I had realised with all of this delicious interplay of personalities in the room, my true nature shone through. The young woman next to me asked me something about the notes I was taking and I realised I was doing that thing I learned to do so well in secondary school take notes while still managing to thing about something completely unrelated.

In this case, I was day dreaming about going home to use my new battery powered fly swat that I had to get because I live in the tropics and the fruit flies were menacing my fruits basket.

I only realised how dysfunctional this really was when after hearing about 15 of the little buggers crackle on my swat and a quiet but overwhelming feeling of happiness fell over me and I genuinely smiled for the first time for the day. I have mastered a wonderful smile facsimile that is shockingly, hardly ever detected as a fake – so much so that I saw a picture of me smiling at a guy that I really think is a plague on both man and woman kind and more so mankind. He’s gay and thank God he is, because women have suffered enough. I was completely confused as to why would I looked so positively radiant next to that monkey’s ass, at that event. Only then I realised my general facial emotional deceitful was becoming simply that prolific.

These are the things that I would like to worry me. I would like to be shocked that am this way and then BE ENERGISED to change. Instead I have worked up sweat and am now heading to the fridge to eat the rest of a shrimp from dinner.