Why Am I Still Explaining Myself?

My professor had to take a connecting flight from Jamaica to Miami to get to Trinidad by 1pm to complete our lecture on Mortality and Life Tables. We were suppose to have an all day class but there was a mix up with his tickets and so class ended up 3.30pm – 6.30pm. He was attending a conference was asked to stay behind to add his thoughts on the conference paper as the only demographer in the region. (the other 2 were busy teaching)

I spent those 3 hours of my life learning the pecularities of calculating age specific death rates and their relationship to Life expectancies (e_x and e_o) and person years of life. once you figure out the inherent relationship between _nM_x, _nq_x, and _nL_x, T_x and e_x are so easy to compute. (Serious geek moment)

It’s a wonderful feeling to finally be learning and doing what you always wanted to do. I am always so happy to go to class. I don’t always understand half of the stuff as soon as I hear it. It takes me some time to process the mathematical stuff, but I drive home after every class beaming with ideas and possibilities.

Now it just so happens that what I love, not many people have heard of it. So when I get asked

“What do you do?” there is always a moment of awkwardness. See beside the fact that I am 25 year old student, I am a student in an unpopular field.

The PsyD. and the MBA’s make easy conversation. All other post grad students can just say their programme title and people figure out pretty quickly what they study, even interdisciplinary students.

When I say “Demography” or the more intimidating version “Development Statistics” 8 out of 10 times, the next question is “What’s that?” and the other 20% of the time I get a look of confusion which is best articulated as “Why the Fowl feathers would you do that?”

I have actually come up with a sound bite for explaining exactly what it is, by using United Nations publications as a frame of reference. I’m ok with explaining what I study, because it’s what I love and everybody knows when you really love something you never grow tired of expressing what it is and how you feel content with it.

What I am still getting accustom to is that 50% of the time regardless of who the person asking is and regardless of their affiliation to me I have to deal with people telling I should be some other profession. Three out of 5 times they suggest that I should go do law; the other 2 times, psychology.

Tonight I met a man who after overhearing me on a phone conversation with my uncle - who has promised to convince me to become a lawyer - asked me “seriously though why didn’t you become a lawyer?” On this topic I have a prepared statement. I talk about the importance I place on happiness and how for me I could never see myself as fully self actualized as a lawyer. “I know that studying law would have brought out a competitive argumentative side of me that I know is unhealthy. Social Science research tapes into my creative side and gives me great fulfillment that Law never will.”

“Oh you are just saying that now but you should do it. I mean studying this is field can’t be as…”. At this moment I honestly can’t remember what he continued to say. I was sitting in the ear shot of both Ricardo and my mother and I saw both of them smile.

“You should do law after you do this Masters. You WILL be dangerous!”

I replied “I would rather do Policy rather than Law. Knowing how to manipulate the law does not mean you can actively change it or affect society with the Law.” I left the conversation 5 seconds later.

I thought for awhile maybe I came across to certain of my desires for a 25 year old. Maybe all the 25 years this man has ever met turned out to know nothing about themselves and have totally different career goals by the time they are 30. Why am I at 25 years still explaining why I do what I do?

What’s funny about this to me, is my parents could not have been more supportive. Daddy likes to read my essays, hear about the conferences and the discussions I have and well my mummy is just so please I am still ‘sorta’ doing geography. I know of friends becoming doctors for no reason other than their parents and acquaintances who know if they don’t become … they will have a hard time be accepted and I often wish for them parents like mine. (Not the other crazy dysfunctional attributes). And while I have no one to really talk about the content of my work with socially (even in my classmate all have different specializations) I stalk cool professors from different countries and have conversations with people that inspire me to grow more brain cells.

I will never understand why someone would choose a career path simply because it’s popular or powerful. Medicine, Law, Accounting are wonderful fields to pursue if they will make you happy, if you feel from the bottom of your being that your God has laid in your heart to be x or Y. It is beyond me to think that grown folks are still telling people crap like that; subtlety coercing young people into careers that will never make them happy but will make them “powerful” or “popular” or “successful”. I hope one day, when I have to explain my career choice, instead of seeing me speak, people hear my passion and understand that that’s where my smile comes from.

The World Caught Up With Me.

I was supposed to go take a drive to the beach this morning but instead I am at home cleaning and reorganizing my closet. I wanted to do some painting but I thought it more urgent to get in tune with the world since I have to go back into it and all.

For the past 2 years I worked for an organization that basically did not care about what I looked like. They liked me, I worked hard, I was (damn) good at my job and so it didn’t matter what I came to work in. Additionally I worked with young people and had lots of after work meetings. That translated into a dress code of jeans and jerseys. One day in a staff meeting the boss even gave a speech about how she really didn’t want to have to iron every day. In 2 weeks we had office polos.

Working in these types of environs can be alarmingly comforting; especially for the women there. You aren’t valued for your look but your ability to produce and innovate. Hell! There was an incident where a new employee came to work in formal business attire and at her 3 month probation meeting she was asked to “respect the ethos of the organization through her attire without losing her sense of self and personal pride” i.e. dress up less. This is not say you didn’t have to look decent and or stylist. The operations manager came to work in very stylized jackets and jeans. I came to work in tailored men’s pants and polos with my black jacket for meetings. However if one day you came to working in casual clothes no might actually notice.

Anyway I have left there and I am reintroducing myself to the ‘corporate’ world of work. I got my first dose last night at an interview for a part-time secretary. Now, I have no secretarial experience. The sum total of my ‘secretarial experience’ is having a secretary. I thought though that the experience of an interview would be good for me. A good face to face interview but I am not holding my breath for a call back I don’t think I typed fast enough in the typing trial.

I was more taken aback by the business attire of the other young women there. I was clearly under dressed in my brown linen pants, 3 quarter sleeve gray and brown tunic and my, yellow and brown ballet flats with the ruffle on the front. Silly me I thought this being a part time job to work from home I just had to turn up looking decent. Oh no... ! Most of the women can in full business attire. I mean there were actually 2 women wearing the same suite: gray skirt suit with 3 quarter length pencil skirt and black inner shirt.

Now at first I thought most of them had jobs and just came from work. Only to come to find out that the reason that I was short listed for the interview was because I was of one of 3 persons who were at present working. The other 2 interviewed during the day. Then I argued that well maybe they dressed up because it IS an interview and you put your best foot forward.

That explanation does not stick for me though.

So I am home this morning trying to look into my closet and find work wear so that I may reintegrate with the rest of society. I can’t say that I am pleased but at least I can fit into most of my old clothes.

:)

Inappropriate Relationship

Over the past 10 years I have come to understand that the relationship I have with my mother would be termed by some people as inappropriate (or perhaps more accurately as dysfunctional). Now I am almost certain that this is just a case of most people being prudish but nevertheless I am acutely aware of it.

What exactly you do with your mother, Ms. Guavas? I can assure you there is nothing of an extremely nefarious nature going on. My mother is a school teacher and a Roman Catholic parish administrator so the conservative level is high(ish). No we don’t mud wrestle or bath together, but apparently what we do do is cause for me to see a therapist. Oddly enough when I brought it up with my therapist, she said I had bigger fish to fry.

My mother and I gape together. For those of you not familiar with the term it is trini parlance for looking at people of the sex to which you are attracted. This curious hobby of ours actually started when I was a teenager. After my mother noticed me, mouth out and lusting after a young man playing football, she explained to me that a lady most not be caught with her mouth out and there are more subtle and morally acceptable ways to appreciate men. In truth she’s the one who constantly reminds me that when looking at the opposite sex ensure that you in fact thank God (sincerely) for the creation of the person and the opportunity to be hold them. “It is not about lust! When you see a good looking man [in this country] Bless God!” was her response.

“Don’t objectify them. They are somebody’s brother, or husband or friend. It doesn’t matter that they may eventually do the same to you. Respect the fact that they are humans but appreciate the fact that they are attractive to you and you are capable of feeling a sense of attraction to another human. Remember too, every man should be appreciated just as every woman wants to be.”

I fondly remember one day in particular driving around the savannah and a bare back dark skinned man with a long ras was jogging against traffic. I heard my mother softly exclaim “Hallelujah!”. I hastily looked out of the window and caught a glimpse of my mother’s taste in men. I responded “Thank yuh Jesus!”

The apple never falls far from the tree.

Since then my mother and I have praised God many times for mankind’s beauty. Most recently we did so while watching the movie Just Wright, starring Common. :) – Thank you Jesus! Bless Common’s mother and father.

As inappropriate to some as this relationship may seem to be I am glad it is the way it is. My mother helped me to develop a sexuality that was more human than feminine and for that and many other things I am grateful.

To the woman who has made me half of who I am, I love you.
(Mummy if you ever read this I eh taking no buff for bad grammar.)

It's All Over

When the rains came this year the entire country breathed a collective sigh of relief. The strain on our water supplies would lessen and rationing was stopped. Water, this life giving force was back in abundance and when the water is back many other things come with it. Now I am Trinidadian and I can talk about the torrential rain which causes traffic and limits movement, or the flooding that is made worse by improperly dredged water courses but when the rains begin that’s not the first thing that really happens.

When the rains come this country gets green, lush and humid. It begins will hints of limey green on hillsides and along road ways. Within a week the hints explode and a very grown up green takes over. When you begin to notice (if you have ever noticed) this grown up green that rolls and over flows in valleys, it’s not long till the Mama Earth IS finally ready to show off her diverse colour palette and she begins to show off for our pleasure every other colour the eye can behold.
Red,
Yellow,
Pinks, purples, teals
Mauves, lilacs
White and oranges

All the colours appear at first hesitant, but as the rains continue they seem to be given the assurance that Father sky will keep them nourished and they bloom in bright and unadulterated majesty.

In the grand scheme of things the next card Mama plays is not the most significant but it is the one that I enjoy the most. This year in particular I took an opportunity to enjoy the presence of butterflies.

And wow ! There were a lot.
In my living memory I cannot remember seeing so many butterflies. All of them busy and hungry and jostling for nectar. What I loved the most was their bravado. On more than one occasion I saw them crossing the road (Lady Young Road, Charlotte Street , the Highway), flying through cars and offices, resting on fans and banisters. All of this reminds me of the movie You’ve got Mail; Meg Ryan talking about New York in the Spring and the butterfly that goes on the subway to go to Bloomingdales to buy a hat. Like in the movie they seem to bring out the joyful and optimistic nature is their audience.

So many butterflies! And for weeks these ethereal creatures live off of the pretty of the earth.
And slowly the die. No they don’t just disappear. You see them as road kill or in a lizard’s mouth. The few that remain look haggard on closer observation and even children once excited to catch them now know that the last few should be left alone.

Until one morning, after it has been raining for a week – much like this morning – You or I awake and they are all gone and all that is left behind is the mud of floods, the smell of dirty water and the dust of river sediment that hangs in the air.

My point exactly

For a while now I have held my tongue with respect to the People’s Partnership Policies. I think it is only fair to wait and see how persons given new authority and position manage once they have had time to settle in. Ideally I think any new leader should spend one year just listening and or reacting, before they make sweeping changes. It gives them some time to understand the process and procedures of their organization as well as engendering trust in subordinates.
As it goes for the new government’s new short terms policies, two in particular have annoyed me from a policy perspective – the Pension restructuring and the Laptops for 1st Formers. I will leave the pensions issue until I have the empirical evidence to show it is flawed. Oh! I already have the theory I just trying to be polite.
Tonight however I will BASH the laptop thing.

During the 10pm news there was a report on the American Embassy’s charitable donation to the Success Laventille High School. The school has had to deal with a severe burglary problem and after having 56 computers in the school’s lab the number was reduced by illegal means to 10. So the wonderful Americans decided to donate 2 laptops and 7 desktops.

Hmmm. Where do I begin with this? Doesn’t this point to very real problems with the laptop scheme.

Perspective One. I think it is easier to steal a laptop from 1st former than it is to steal 46 desktops from a school. I have heard that there will be built in security features but considering the state of the police service what assurances do students have that they will be secure if someone tries to take their laptop. If they are stealing computers, are 12 year old students in any school safe walking around with a laptop?

Perspective Two. Success Laventille is an example of a school that does not have basic information technology (at present) for all its students but now only one cohort will have access to this technology. All students need to become tech savvy. Another more promising way of doing this could be to work with the school to upgrade the technologies used, not just in computer lab but also in the classroom. There is the potential to actually create jobs within the education and security sectors by upgrading how we teach and share education in a school setting. Schools with networked monitors and proper CC tv systems that can monitor students and illegal visitors could and should be the future. Now I know this is not fool proof but I can not believe that the policymakers agreed to and funded such a short sighted venture. I listened to part of Aunty Kamla’s presentation at the UN and she boasted that in five years all secondary students will have laptops. And all of this is going on while the young men and women can’t every get there teaching qualifications verified. Here’s another question, in 5 years will all students still have laptops? I can understand that this government, in its first moves are ‘reacting’. I mean they have a lot to prove but reactive patronage makes them look like PNM more than they would like.

As I said before there are lots of little things that are gripping me about this government but it’s early. While PNM had their serious problems they followed a vision. I didn’t like the vision but there was a vision. I hope to see a vision from the People Partnership and if I see them repurpose the PNM’s own, I will be on them like white on rice. It’s been four months and I will be waiting to see them step up and act like the government they were given the opportunity to be.

Babies

For the nth time this year I was recently asked by a new acquaintance whether or not I have any children. For the nth time I said 'no' and for the nth time I was responded as if something is seriously wrong with me. What specifically annoys me is when the ask you “so you don’t have children?” (not even a child but children).

My reactive thought is always "why would a 25 year old have children". Wow that’s classist! If you can’t perceive it you should check yourself you may just be very entrenched in the middle class.

My second reactive thought tends to be “why ask me that if you know I am not married?” This thought is even stranger because I am the daughter of single, never married woman and man. Not only does this one show off my classist nature but the extent of my values on family.

My third reactive thought tends to be “stop asking me my blasted business yuh dam maco!” That one has nothing to do with the topic at hand but I thought I was important to remind people I don’t like persons to ask me business.

After having a conversation with a single male friend lamenting on the fact that at 29 it seems like any woman he dates has a child/ren or is too driven to have time to have a meaningful relationship, it leads me to wonder, are children the new craze for my age group. The modal average for births in Trinidad and Tobago is now 25.6yrs. This is despite the fact that people keep talking about teenage pregnancy – get a grip people teen pregnancy is not high and this is despite having a Muslim population which marries younger that the national age of majority.

Women are having babies – True
Having babies is a good thing – True
Not all women are having babies – True
Women who are not actively trying to have child are weird and should be reminded about their responsibility to their God/state/economy – False

I am not anti-children. I just don’t like to having people ask me (or anyone else) why have I not allowed a man to impregnate me and decided to carry full term. Isn’t that a little … what’s the word I am looking for…. rude? I know often in my verbal response to persons asking the questions, I come off like a hard core feminist but to me this is not about ideology or religiosity. It’s a matter of personal values and appropriateness. If you must engage in this type of conversation it is always better to first ask if a person wants children. Then, if you must, mine their business
I respect any young woman who gets pregnant and chooses to have a child before the age of 27. I salute you saying you have a personal strength that I can not say that I have. Particularly to the women doing it without men and or a family support system, I say Mother’s Day is simply not enough.
But to the people who live under the delusion that when you reach 24 you should have at least one picney and believe that it is their responsibility to encourage women to have children regardless of their stage in life, I say...
Go adopt a dog to play with.

Oh Shucks!

Is it horrible to say that I only just realised I have a blog?
I mean life is what it is and so I have to admit I had better things to do.
Admittedly I have stopped reflective writing all together. I can blame many things in my life for that but I will stick with just saying I damn lazy and indisciplined.

Funny enough I have noticed a correlation between not writing and talking to myself more.
So I am making a solemn pledge.

I Tactful guavas, do solemnly pledge to update my blog regularly starting today.

:)
Live well