Why Am I Still Explaining Myself?

My professor had to take a connecting flight from Jamaica to Miami to get to Trinidad by 1pm to complete our lecture on Mortality and Life Tables. We were suppose to have an all day class but there was a mix up with his tickets and so class ended up 3.30pm – 6.30pm. He was attending a conference was asked to stay behind to add his thoughts on the conference paper as the only demographer in the region. (the other 2 were busy teaching)

I spent those 3 hours of my life learning the pecularities of calculating age specific death rates and their relationship to Life expectancies (e_x and e_o) and person years of life. once you figure out the inherent relationship between _nM_x, _nq_x, and _nL_x, T_x and e_x are so easy to compute. (Serious geek moment)

It’s a wonderful feeling to finally be learning and doing what you always wanted to do. I am always so happy to go to class. I don’t always understand half of the stuff as soon as I hear it. It takes me some time to process the mathematical stuff, but I drive home after every class beaming with ideas and possibilities.

Now it just so happens that what I love, not many people have heard of it. So when I get asked

“What do you do?” there is always a moment of awkwardness. See beside the fact that I am 25 year old student, I am a student in an unpopular field.

The PsyD. and the MBA’s make easy conversation. All other post grad students can just say their programme title and people figure out pretty quickly what they study, even interdisciplinary students.

When I say “Demography” or the more intimidating version “Development Statistics” 8 out of 10 times, the next question is “What’s that?” and the other 20% of the time I get a look of confusion which is best articulated as “Why the Fowl feathers would you do that?”

I have actually come up with a sound bite for explaining exactly what it is, by using United Nations publications as a frame of reference. I’m ok with explaining what I study, because it’s what I love and everybody knows when you really love something you never grow tired of expressing what it is and how you feel content with it.

What I am still getting accustom to is that 50% of the time regardless of who the person asking is and regardless of their affiliation to me I have to deal with people telling I should be some other profession. Three out of 5 times they suggest that I should go do law; the other 2 times, psychology.

Tonight I met a man who after overhearing me on a phone conversation with my uncle - who has promised to convince me to become a lawyer - asked me “seriously though why didn’t you become a lawyer?” On this topic I have a prepared statement. I talk about the importance I place on happiness and how for me I could never see myself as fully self actualized as a lawyer. “I know that studying law would have brought out a competitive argumentative side of me that I know is unhealthy. Social Science research tapes into my creative side and gives me great fulfillment that Law never will.”

“Oh you are just saying that now but you should do it. I mean studying this is field can’t be as…”. At this moment I honestly can’t remember what he continued to say. I was sitting in the ear shot of both Ricardo and my mother and I saw both of them smile.

“You should do law after you do this Masters. You WILL be dangerous!”

I replied “I would rather do Policy rather than Law. Knowing how to manipulate the law does not mean you can actively change it or affect society with the Law.” I left the conversation 5 seconds later.

I thought for awhile maybe I came across to certain of my desires for a 25 year old. Maybe all the 25 years this man has ever met turned out to know nothing about themselves and have totally different career goals by the time they are 30. Why am I at 25 years still explaining why I do what I do?

What’s funny about this to me, is my parents could not have been more supportive. Daddy likes to read my essays, hear about the conferences and the discussions I have and well my mummy is just so please I am still ‘sorta’ doing geography. I know of friends becoming doctors for no reason other than their parents and acquaintances who know if they don’t become … they will have a hard time be accepted and I often wish for them parents like mine. (Not the other crazy dysfunctional attributes). And while I have no one to really talk about the content of my work with socially (even in my classmate all have different specializations) I stalk cool professors from different countries and have conversations with people that inspire me to grow more brain cells.

I will never understand why someone would choose a career path simply because it’s popular or powerful. Medicine, Law, Accounting are wonderful fields to pursue if they will make you happy, if you feel from the bottom of your being that your God has laid in your heart to be x or Y. It is beyond me to think that grown folks are still telling people crap like that; subtlety coercing young people into careers that will never make them happy but will make them “powerful” or “popular” or “successful”. I hope one day, when I have to explain my career choice, instead of seeing me speak, people hear my passion and understand that that’s where my smile comes from.

The World Caught Up With Me.

I was supposed to go take a drive to the beach this morning but instead I am at home cleaning and reorganizing my closet. I wanted to do some painting but I thought it more urgent to get in tune with the world since I have to go back into it and all.

For the past 2 years I worked for an organization that basically did not care about what I looked like. They liked me, I worked hard, I was (damn) good at my job and so it didn’t matter what I came to work in. Additionally I worked with young people and had lots of after work meetings. That translated into a dress code of jeans and jerseys. One day in a staff meeting the boss even gave a speech about how she really didn’t want to have to iron every day. In 2 weeks we had office polos.

Working in these types of environs can be alarmingly comforting; especially for the women there. You aren’t valued for your look but your ability to produce and innovate. Hell! There was an incident where a new employee came to work in formal business attire and at her 3 month probation meeting she was asked to “respect the ethos of the organization through her attire without losing her sense of self and personal pride” i.e. dress up less. This is not say you didn’t have to look decent and or stylist. The operations manager came to work in very stylized jackets and jeans. I came to work in tailored men’s pants and polos with my black jacket for meetings. However if one day you came to working in casual clothes no might actually notice.

Anyway I have left there and I am reintroducing myself to the ‘corporate’ world of work. I got my first dose last night at an interview for a part-time secretary. Now, I have no secretarial experience. The sum total of my ‘secretarial experience’ is having a secretary. I thought though that the experience of an interview would be good for me. A good face to face interview but I am not holding my breath for a call back I don’t think I typed fast enough in the typing trial.

I was more taken aback by the business attire of the other young women there. I was clearly under dressed in my brown linen pants, 3 quarter sleeve gray and brown tunic and my, yellow and brown ballet flats with the ruffle on the front. Silly me I thought this being a part time job to work from home I just had to turn up looking decent. Oh no... ! Most of the women can in full business attire. I mean there were actually 2 women wearing the same suite: gray skirt suit with 3 quarter length pencil skirt and black inner shirt.

Now at first I thought most of them had jobs and just came from work. Only to come to find out that the reason that I was short listed for the interview was because I was of one of 3 persons who were at present working. The other 2 interviewed during the day. Then I argued that well maybe they dressed up because it IS an interview and you put your best foot forward.

That explanation does not stick for me though.

So I am home this morning trying to look into my closet and find work wear so that I may reintegrate with the rest of society. I can’t say that I am pleased but at least I can fit into most of my old clothes.

:)

Inappropriate Relationship

Over the past 10 years I have come to understand that the relationship I have with my mother would be termed by some people as inappropriate (or perhaps more accurately as dysfunctional). Now I am almost certain that this is just a case of most people being prudish but nevertheless I am acutely aware of it.

What exactly you do with your mother, Ms. Guavas? I can assure you there is nothing of an extremely nefarious nature going on. My mother is a school teacher and a Roman Catholic parish administrator so the conservative level is high(ish). No we don’t mud wrestle or bath together, but apparently what we do do is cause for me to see a therapist. Oddly enough when I brought it up with my therapist, she said I had bigger fish to fry.

My mother and I gape together. For those of you not familiar with the term it is trini parlance for looking at people of the sex to which you are attracted. This curious hobby of ours actually started when I was a teenager. After my mother noticed me, mouth out and lusting after a young man playing football, she explained to me that a lady most not be caught with her mouth out and there are more subtle and morally acceptable ways to appreciate men. In truth she’s the one who constantly reminds me that when looking at the opposite sex ensure that you in fact thank God (sincerely) for the creation of the person and the opportunity to be hold them. “It is not about lust! When you see a good looking man [in this country] Bless God!” was her response.

“Don’t objectify them. They are somebody’s brother, or husband or friend. It doesn’t matter that they may eventually do the same to you. Respect the fact that they are humans but appreciate the fact that they are attractive to you and you are capable of feeling a sense of attraction to another human. Remember too, every man should be appreciated just as every woman wants to be.”

I fondly remember one day in particular driving around the savannah and a bare back dark skinned man with a long ras was jogging against traffic. I heard my mother softly exclaim “Hallelujah!”. I hastily looked out of the window and caught a glimpse of my mother’s taste in men. I responded “Thank yuh Jesus!”

The apple never falls far from the tree.

Since then my mother and I have praised God many times for mankind’s beauty. Most recently we did so while watching the movie Just Wright, starring Common. :) – Thank you Jesus! Bless Common’s mother and father.

As inappropriate to some as this relationship may seem to be I am glad it is the way it is. My mother helped me to develop a sexuality that was more human than feminine and for that and many other things I am grateful.

To the woman who has made me half of who I am, I love you.
(Mummy if you ever read this I eh taking no buff for bad grammar.)