What Keeps Me Crazy (2016)

I’m getting old. I’m not sure that I am wiser but I know I am not the woman I was 10 years ago. I want to believe that I have matured and am better able to make decisions and cope with the madness in and around me.

That’s what I want to believe.

“I’m 30 something. I’m grown.”

That’s what I tell myself.

And then something in my family life, work life or society pisses me off, and I have to go find my rosary beads, ask St. Michael to pray for me and sprinkle of myself with holy water. I feel like I lose my mind on a regular basis.

As a self-proclaimed introvert, journaling brings me balance. I still have my journals from secondary school. There is so much in my mind. Things I want to say, in general or directed at people. Instead I end up talking to myself in my car, running conversations over and over in my mind. On more than one occasion I end up politely smiling to the persons in the car next to me at a traffic light and pretending I’m on the phone.

To ‘save face’.

One thing my 20’s taught me,

Love my ‘crazy’, -  my high strung and passionately loving reactions to life. By no means do I privilege my perspective. I know at times I’m wrong.

Like how 9 times out of 10 end up getting mad that I have to go into an elevator with people taller than me.

Why must I be constantly reminded that I am not quite 5’ 5? How come is always men 6’3 and above in the elevator with me? Never 5’6, or 5’8.

And I don’t get short women either. Once I stood waiting for the elevator. I saw  3 short women (like 5’1 to 5’3) walking toward me. I got all happy, bowed my head and smiled. I started to think about how nice it would be to stand in a small space and be the tallest. Basking in my happiness I looked up and they disappeared. I was sure that I saw them, instead I was left with 2 tall water delivery men and the stack of water cases on a trolley… taller than me.

Starting up this blog (again) is me venting. I am not interested in agreement. I am not interested in debate. Much like the way Evelyns from the Internets and Issa Rae’s Awkward Black Girl inspired me to be myself, I hope my weirdness makes someone else smile.

Meet at What Keeps Me Crazy 3.0

Why Am I Still Explaining Myself?

My professor had to take a connecting flight from Jamaica to Miami to get to Trinidad by 1pm to complete our lecture on Mortality and Life Tables. We were suppose to have an all day class but there was a mix up with his tickets and so class ended up 3.30pm – 6.30pm. He was attending a conference was asked to stay behind to add his thoughts on the conference paper as the only demographer in the region. (the other 2 were busy teaching)

I spent those 3 hours of my life learning the pecularities of calculating age specific death rates and their relationship to Life expectancies (e_x and e_o) and person years of life. once you figure out the inherent relationship between _nM_x, _nq_x, and _nL_x, T_x and e_x are so easy to compute. (Serious geek moment)

It’s a wonderful feeling to finally be learning and doing what you always wanted to do. I am always so happy to go to class. I don’t always understand half of the stuff as soon as I hear it. It takes me some time to process the mathematical stuff, but I drive home after every class beaming with ideas and possibilities.

Now it just so happens that what I love, not many people have heard of it. So when I get asked

“What do you do?” there is always a moment of awkwardness. See beside the fact that I am 25 year old student, I am a student in an unpopular field.

The PsyD. and the MBA’s make easy conversation. All other post grad students can just say their programme title and people figure out pretty quickly what they study, even interdisciplinary students.

When I say “Demography” or the more intimidating version “Development Statistics” 8 out of 10 times, the next question is “What’s that?” and the other 20% of the time I get a look of confusion which is best articulated as “Why the Fowl feathers would you do that?”

I have actually come up with a sound bite for explaining exactly what it is, by using United Nations publications as a frame of reference. I’m ok with explaining what I study, because it’s what I love and everybody knows when you really love something you never grow tired of expressing what it is and how you feel content with it.

What I am still getting accustom to is that 50% of the time regardless of who the person asking is and regardless of their affiliation to me I have to deal with people telling I should be some other profession. Three out of 5 times they suggest that I should go do law; the other 2 times, psychology.

Tonight I met a man who after overhearing me on a phone conversation with my uncle - who has promised to convince me to become a lawyer - asked me “seriously though why didn’t you become a lawyer?” On this topic I have a prepared statement. I talk about the importance I place on happiness and how for me I could never see myself as fully self actualized as a lawyer. “I know that studying law would have brought out a competitive argumentative side of me that I know is unhealthy. Social Science research tapes into my creative side and gives me great fulfillment that Law never will.”

“Oh you are just saying that now but you should do it. I mean studying this is field can’t be as…”. At this moment I honestly can’t remember what he continued to say. I was sitting in the ear shot of both Ricardo and my mother and I saw both of them smile.

“You should do law after you do this Masters. You WILL be dangerous!”

I replied “I would rather do Policy rather than Law. Knowing how to manipulate the law does not mean you can actively change it or affect society with the Law.” I left the conversation 5 seconds later.

I thought for awhile maybe I came across to certain of my desires for a 25 year old. Maybe all the 25 years this man has ever met turned out to know nothing about themselves and have totally different career goals by the time they are 30. Why am I at 25 years still explaining why I do what I do?

What’s funny about this to me, is my parents could not have been more supportive. Daddy likes to read my essays, hear about the conferences and the discussions I have and well my mummy is just so please I am still ‘sorta’ doing geography. I know of friends becoming doctors for no reason other than their parents and acquaintances who know if they don’t become … they will have a hard time be accepted and I often wish for them parents like mine. (Not the other crazy dysfunctional attributes). And while I have no one to really talk about the content of my work with socially (even in my classmate all have different specializations) I stalk cool professors from different countries and have conversations with people that inspire me to grow more brain cells.

I will never understand why someone would choose a career path simply because it’s popular or powerful. Medicine, Law, Accounting are wonderful fields to pursue if they will make you happy, if you feel from the bottom of your being that your God has laid in your heart to be x or Y. It is beyond me to think that grown folks are still telling people crap like that; subtlety coercing young people into careers that will never make them happy but will make them “powerful” or “popular” or “successful”. I hope one day, when I have to explain my career choice, instead of seeing me speak, people hear my passion and understand that that’s where my smile comes from.

The World Caught Up With Me.

I was supposed to go take a drive to the beach this morning but instead I am at home cleaning and reorganizing my closet. I wanted to do some painting but I thought it more urgent to get in tune with the world since I have to go back into it and all.

For the past 2 years I worked for an organization that basically did not care about what I looked like. They liked me, I worked hard, I was (damn) good at my job and so it didn’t matter what I came to work in. Additionally I worked with young people and had lots of after work meetings. That translated into a dress code of jeans and jerseys. One day in a staff meeting the boss even gave a speech about how she really didn’t want to have to iron every day. In 2 weeks we had office polos.

Working in these types of environs can be alarmingly comforting; especially for the women there. You aren’t valued for your look but your ability to produce and innovate. Hell! There was an incident where a new employee came to work in formal business attire and at her 3 month probation meeting she was asked to “respect the ethos of the organization through her attire without losing her sense of self and personal pride” i.e. dress up less. This is not say you didn’t have to look decent and or stylist. The operations manager came to work in very stylized jackets and jeans. I came to work in tailored men’s pants and polos with my black jacket for meetings. However if one day you came to working in casual clothes no might actually notice.

Anyway I have left there and I am reintroducing myself to the ‘corporate’ world of work. I got my first dose last night at an interview for a part-time secretary. Now, I have no secretarial experience. The sum total of my ‘secretarial experience’ is having a secretary. I thought though that the experience of an interview would be good for me. A good face to face interview but I am not holding my breath for a call back I don’t think I typed fast enough in the typing trial.

I was more taken aback by the business attire of the other young women there. I was clearly under dressed in my brown linen pants, 3 quarter sleeve gray and brown tunic and my, yellow and brown ballet flats with the ruffle on the front. Silly me I thought this being a part time job to work from home I just had to turn up looking decent. Oh no... ! Most of the women can in full business attire. I mean there were actually 2 women wearing the same suite: gray skirt suit with 3 quarter length pencil skirt and black inner shirt.

Now at first I thought most of them had jobs and just came from work. Only to come to find out that the reason that I was short listed for the interview was because I was of one of 3 persons who were at present working. The other 2 interviewed during the day. Then I argued that well maybe they dressed up because it IS an interview and you put your best foot forward.

That explanation does not stick for me though.

So I am home this morning trying to look into my closet and find work wear so that I may reintegrate with the rest of society. I can’t say that I am pleased but at least I can fit into most of my old clothes.

:)